just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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