My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We're too hungover to prance.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
