So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
