so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
