Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I forget how to act sober
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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