if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
