I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
