I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
