yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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