I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
