I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
