He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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