I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
