I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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