and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
