every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
