Four minutes until I can fart!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
