Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
