Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
