There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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