my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
