If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
