i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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