Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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