stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
