drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
