Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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