i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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