he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
