My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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