dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
