i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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