marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
