Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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