my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I think people are normalizing furries
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
