I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
