The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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