You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
