The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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