I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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