Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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