Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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