i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
