I think my fart just growled at me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
