She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
