I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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