Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
