why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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