I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
