she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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