Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
