her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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